Dark Thirty, we meet again.

“Your love for me was so great that You, the God of the whole universe, went on a personal quest to [love me] … and grab hold of me with the whisper, ‘I will never let you go’.”

“I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes.”

I have a special relationship with 230am, 0230, dark thirty…. To most, this is the middle of the night. To me, this is dinner time, my evening, prime time. Today tho, I have to be up at 0630 like the people of the light and encounter actual sun and civilization. ** This morning was brought to you by coffee, and now a word from my personal sponsor… coffee** 

Occasionally, this frustrates me as I try to will myself to sleep, checking the time every 5 minutes and calculating how much sleep I will get. But tonight, as I read my book, Uninvited,my soul drank up those words above like much needed water for my dehydrated spirit. I’m in a weird place spiritually, if I’m honest. I’m in a holding pattern of sorts, figuring out where and how I’m going to land, knowing I can’t stay there forever but not really wanting to touch ground just yet. Really, I enjoy the view from up there, looking from a distance for a change, not really ready to dive back in.

God has been pursuing me in the midst of the mess, in the midst of my distance, anger, and indifference, much to my delight and maybe more than occasional annoyance. G-man’s a persistent one and hasn’t been leaving much open for interpretation or to wonder if what I read/saw/heard was Him speaking to me or not. And I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m happy He’s reaching out to me, especially so frankly and directly, and embracing me despite myself…  and on the other hand, I don’t really want to listen to what He’s saying. Or at least, that’s how I have been feeling lately. My heart has slowly been softening back up, and I am starting to feel the determination and passion I usually have.

I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily ready to say those words above for myself in every area. But now I finally have a tangible, readable goal, to work toward, where before tonight, I felt a little aimless, grasping at straws. I’m not there yet, but in the last week I have felt my soul start to awaken a little bit again, rousing the sleeping wild child who looks challenges in the face with a devilish grin of her own,who doesn’t give a $#!{} how tough it is, she knows she’ll overcome it. The young woman who remembers where she came from and how God has carried her through. The lively girl with proud scars who is thankful her experiences bring her better understanding, empathy, and passion, knowing those scars are merely the result of true badassery battling life’s demons and difficulties and winning.

I can’t say that God doesn’t ever piss me off or confuse the heck out of me, ^^ Obviously there has been some of that ^^ But I can say he’s never let me go even when I am absolutely terrible and rather unpleasant to be around, even in my rants, ramblings, and roars, even in my mistakes and misgivings. And that kind of consistency, to have someone you know will never let you go…Who is always working things for good, even when it’s baffling, that’s amazing. Even in the midst of not being too happy with Him, I don’t understand how people make it through life without God.

and now it’s REALLY dark thirty aka 0330 so I MUST go to bed or the rather unpleasant person mentioned above is going to make a guest appearance 😉

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